Self Doubt

Throughout high school, my life was together. Or at least, I presented a good enough image of myself that others assumed that my life was together. I was the president of my school’s diversity club, founder of my school’s Black Student Union, four year varsity athlete, and a high honor roll student.I was a role model, a mentor, and heavily involved in community service. I was on the prom court, the homecoming court, and it felt as if nothing could stop me. That is, until college application season came around.

After applying to 11 schools and being accepted to all of them, after hundreds of thousands of dollars of scholarship money was offered, I decided at the last minute that I would send in one more application. That application was sent to Spelman College, the #1 HBCU in the country. After a slow four weeks rigid with anticipation, I was hollering and running all around the house with my acceptance letter.

Spelman College is a private, liberal arts, women's college located in Atlanta, Georgia, United States. The college is part of the Atlanta University Center academic consortium in Atlanta. Spelman is ranked among the nation's top liberal arts colleges and #1 among historically black colleges in the United States by U.S. News & World Report.

Eleven out of the twelve schools I applied to offered me some sort of scholarship. Technically, Spelman did as well, but it barely puts a dent in the tuition. Being smart, Black, and a woman had opened so many doors for me. But at this illustrious HBCU that happens to be an all women’s school, nothing made me special. That terrified me. It still does. And after almost two months of being here at Spelman, I’m still having an identity crisis; what exactly makes me so special when I’m at a school full of girls just like me?

Well, after spending a month here, I’ve come to realize that not knowing who I am or who I’m meant to be at the age of nineteen is okay. I’ve learned that life is a constant struggle to find out what the best version of you looks/feels like. Our development, both as a species and as individuals, is never-ending. That’s not to say that I won’t ever be able to say that I am happy with where I am for the time being, but what’s the point of life if you’re totally comfortable in every aspect of your existence all the time? Life is about learning, growing, and leaving your part of the world a little better than it was when you got there.

Life is about taking risks, and sometimes that means failing. Life is about understanding that regardless of how you’re feeling, you’re not the first person to feel that way, and you’re not the last. So far, that’s the most important thing I’ve learned here in my first month or so of ‘adulting’.

Although it can be stressful at times, uncertainty is a beautiful thing. No, I don’t exactly know what makes me special, and I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life at this point in time. But you know what? I don’t believe that God brought me this far to leave me.

I cannot wait to see what the future holds and to watch and feel myself grow into the amazing woman I’m destined to be. But as of right now, I’m going to live in the moment and enjoy where I am and who I am today. I am going to encapsulate Proverbs 31:25, which reads: “She is clothed in strength and dignity, and laughs without fear of the future”. And I encourage anyone who reads this to do the same! Be confident in yourself, know who you are what what you’re capable of, and live in the moment! Don’t stress out about things that are out of your control, laugh without fear of the future!

Make a conscious effort to love life for what it is; its ups and downs, successes and failures, wins and losses, inevitability and uncertainty, and things will start to fall into place. I know I’m only nineteen and my adult life has just begun, but that’s how I see the world through my two eyes.


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